广东时时彩玩法秘籍:Freddy’s jeans-but-not-jeans promise to be my ‘booty’s best friend’

广东时时彩11选五 www.yya1n.com.cn These $189 jeans are supposed to do wonders for your backside but one woman who trialled them discovered — not all is as it seems.

Michelle Andrew
广东时时彩11选五March 13, 20196:50am

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The push-up bra for your bum.Source:Supplied

“Think of Freddy as your bum’s best friend, here to turn you into the bootylicious goddess you’ve always known you are.”

This one sentence hooked me in and I eagerly decided to try the push-up bra for your bum. “Oh, please. Be my guest,” I thought.

For those unacquainted, Freddy is a brand of jeans-but-not-jeans. I think. Look, I’ve worn a pair and I’m still not quite sure what they are. They look like jeans. They smell like jeans. At $189 they’re certainly priced like jeans. But are they jeans? I don’t … think so.

My spidey senses say they’re joggings, but telling people you’re wearing jeggings in 2019 is like saying “Voldemort” in Harry Potter’s world, so I’m guessing “Bi.Elastic Fabric” is the wording we use for jeggings now.

What I do know is that 1. Freddy’s jeans-but-not-jeans promise to be my “booty’s best friend” and 2. Everyone on my Instagram feed is wearing them.

The Freddy-branded push-up bra (jeans) for your bum.

The Freddy-branded push-up bra (jeans) for your bum.Source:Supplied

As seen on many Instagram influencers.

As seen on many Instagram influencers.Source:Supplied

You see, Freddy’s appear to be the pant of choice for mid-range Insta influencers — you know the ones.

They’re often spotted posing in front of luxury cars they probably don’t own and pushing tanning oil to teenagers.

They make your bum better. Plumper. Perkier. Or, at least, they promise to.

Because I’m a woman of the people, I tried them out so you don’t have to.

EIGHT HOURS IN BUM-SHAPING TECHNOLOGY

Freddy’s are supposedly great because they boast “patented shaping technology” that makes your tush look more like a peach. Sadly for the dudes out there, this “technology” is only reserved for female customers.

Freddy’s men’s pants are all about “extreme comfort” and are “made for after work beers”, while the women’s pants “accentuate your booty” and are “made for shopping sprees”. Gender stereotypes hooray.

To my dismay, apparently $189 isn’t enough to give you actual pockets. These jeans-but-not-jeans are all about that fake-pocket life, which feels like biting into a chocolate chip cookie only to realise it’s full of raisins. A girl needs her pockets, okay? When I’m on all these girlie shopping sprees where on earth am I going to put my lip gloss and tampons? Priorities people, please.

Because I’m a woman of the people, I tried them out so you don’t have to.

Because I’m a woman of the people, I tried them out so you don’t have to.Source:Supplied

These things are so tight, they even came with specific instructions.

These things are so tight, they even came with specific instructions.Source:Supplied

Pocket fraud aside, to give these bad boys the trial they deserve, I decided to take them for a spin in the exact setting the Freddy website recommended: shopping.

Putting on the jeans-but-not-jeans felt akin to exercise. These things are so tight, they even came with specific instructions to “put them on as if you are putting on a pair of stockings”. Yes, instructions to put on pants. Really.

I have one word for the fit: tight. Like, a spray-painted level of tight.

I’m guessing the “patented shaping technology” is referring to the slightly-different stitching around my bum. Instead of your typical no-nonsense stitching, Freddy jeans-but-not-jeans circle around your behind, outlining the exact perimeter of where your bum cheeks start and end. It’s effective, sure, but it’s also the fashion equivalent of having a giant neon sign pointing to your butt.

As I walked past shop windows I wasn’t exactly angry at how my bum looked. There was some definite lifting going on. A bit of sculpting. Firming. Plumping. Etc.

I made sure to ask for opinions as I walked around in my Freddy’s, too.

As we waited at the traffic lights on our local shopping strip, my sister Evelyn did admit my bum “looks good, but also like its trying a little too hard”. My boyfriend Mitch commented, “I dunno … it looks like it always does.” Brilliant.

Despite looking decent in real life, my Freddy’s just didn’t seem to photograph well.

Despite looking decent in real life, my Freddy’s just didn’t seem to photograph well.Source:Supplied

An obvious downside to this elevated booty was that when I walked I got what Evelyn described as “second bum cleavage” underneath the stitching. Not ideal. I also felt that — despite the silicone waistband holding them up — my Freddy’s were sitting dangerously low, reminiscent of any photo of Britney Spears circa 2001.

But the ultimate downfall? Despite looking decent in real life, my Freddy’s just didn’t seem to photograph well. No matter how many angles Evelyn tried, the jeans-but-not-jeans had a flattening effect when I looked at them on my iPhone screen.

Given nothing counts unless it happened on Instagram anymore, this felt like the ultimate hamartia as far as joggings are concerned.

Would I recommend these to a friend? Well, it depends. If you’re ruthless in the pursuit of a perfect bum and don’t mind defending the embattled jeans-but-not-jeans, go for it.

But if you’d prefer to have some pockets and be able to put your own shoes on? Run, preferably to a pair of actual jeans that don’t come with a set of instructions.

Michelle Andrews is a freelance writer and podcast host. Follow her on Instagram

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